“The biggest problem is admitting that you have a problem, nobody wants to admit that they’re not in control of something.” -Eminem
I am a toxic person and I can finally say it out loud. I have manipulated people in the past and that’s not okay. The realization of this was something I didn’t take lightly. Firstly, I lost it. I went off on the people who cared the most. The ones who called me out after I had done the most damage and they couldn’t take it anymore. I started to question whether or not they were actually my friends because they couldn’t be there for me in my time of need but now I see they were doing what was best for them and I can’t be mad at them for doing what they needed. Even if I miss them and they’re friendship terribly. Secondly, I cried my eyes out. I went into shut down mode. I didn’t talk to anyone or do anything, like a false depression. And here recently, and thirdly, I’ve accepted it and am moving on. Yes, it happened. No, I’m not the same person. I’m getting help. Going to therapy and reading other blogs, and doing what I kind to get back to my true self and the person that I’m meant to be.
The type of toxic I was is what I’ve labeled as selfish. Looking back, I realize this. Everything was always about me. Every time my friends came over I would always control the tv (and put on the same damn thing, mind you), Make sure we would go where I wanted by coming up with some excuse of why I couldn’t go somewhere, controlling the music in the car, and even taking conversations we had in the past and twisting words around to get sympathy as I told the story to other people. I wanted attention. Normally, I’d blame that on childhood trauma (thanks mom… for nothing) but now, I have to accept it. I’m working on my confidence. I’m building myself up so I won’t need others to do so. I’m carefully watching what I say and what I do and making sure to have the people who have still remained in contact with me through this to call me out if I’m going back to those unhealthy ways.
I haven’t really admitted this to hardly anyone. I don’t really “talk” about my feelings. Not my thing. This is probably the closest I’ll get to that. So I guess this is my truth. This is who I was, not who I am, and not who I want to be. So while I take this journey on figuring out who I am and what I want, I hope you will join me and/ or support me. If not, that’s okay. You do you and I’ll do me. Improving myself is just the start of this journey. And who knows? Maybe it won’t be too hard or maybe it’ll be a chaotic mess. Either way, I’ll make it through. Whatever it takes.
Until next time,