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Admitting you have a problem, is the first step to recovery.

“The biggest problem is admitting that you have a problem, nobody wants to admit that they’re not in control of something.” -Eminem

I am a toxic person and I can finally say it out loud. I have manipulated people in the past and that’s not okay. The realization of this was something I didn’t take lightly. Firstly, I lost it. I went off on the people who cared the most. The ones who called me out after I had done the most damage and they couldn’t take it anymore. I started to question whether or not they were actually my friends because they couldn’t be there for me in my time of need but now I see they were doing what was best for them and I can’t be mad at them for doing what they needed. Even if I miss them and they’re friendship terribly. Secondly, I cried my eyes out. I went into shut down mode. I didn’t talk to anyone or do anything, like a false depression. And here recently, and thirdly, I’ve accepted it and am moving on. Yes, it happened. No, I’m not the same person. I’m getting help. Going to therapy and reading other blogs, and doing what I kind to get back to my true self and the person that I’m meant to be.

The type of toxic I was is what I’ve labeled as selfish. Looking back, I realize this. Everything was always about me. Every time my friends came over I would always control the tv (and put on the same damn thing, mind you), Make sure we would go where I wanted by coming up with some excuse of why I couldn’t go somewhere, controlling the music in the car, and even taking conversations we had in the past and twisting words around to get sympathy as I told the story to other people. I wanted attention. Normally, I’d blame that on childhood trauma (thanks mom… for nothing) but now, I have to accept it. I’m working on my confidence. I’m building myself up so I won’t need others to do so. I’m carefully watching what I say and what I do and making sure to have the people who have still remained in contact with me through this to call me out if I’m going back to those unhealthy ways.

I haven’t really admitted this to hardly anyone. I don’t really “talk” about my feelings. Not my thing. This is probably the closest I’ll get to that. So I guess this is my truth. This is who I was, not who I am, and not who I want to be. So while I take this journey on figuring out who I am and what I want, I hope you will join me and/ or support me. If not, that’s okay. You do you and I’ll do me. Improving myself is just the start of this journey. And who knows? Maybe it won’t be too hard or maybe it’ll be a chaotic mess. Either way, I’ll make it through. Whatever it takes.

Until next time,

-Jenna

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Hello, new year.

Hello friends, readers, and maybe family. As many of you know, 2017 was a crazy year. I lost many of friends, but I made new ones who were almost as close. I’ve learned so many things about myself that I never knew. I’ve made many mistakes and done so many wrongs to people that I never realized. But the best things about mistakes? You can learn from them. At one point this year I hit rock bottom. Another great thing thing about that? The only place you can go is up.

While I haven’t been brave enough to post the past few months of life changing things my husband and I have gone through, I can say it only made us stronger. While we may be working to find everything we want and need for us we’ll never give up the fight for our love. Maybe I’ll have the courage to open up about it soon but untill then I ask for support and love from our family and friends.

I also have a wish and for everyone reading this. May your 2018 bring you happiness. May it bring you joy, guidance, and truth. May it shape you into the person you are meant to be. May it lead you to the career that you will love. May it lead you to the one you are meant to love. May it give you the strength to fight whatever battles may come accross. Lastly, let this year be your year. Live everyday as if it’s your last. Make every decision for your happiness and never ever let anyone make you feel worthless.

Until next time,

-Jenna.

an open letter

An Open Letter To My Long Distance BFF

Dear Friend,

I’m sorry I can’t be by your side when I know you’re hurting. I’m sorry that I can only be a voice and not the one you can put your head on and cry your eyes out on. I’m sorry we can’t go to McDonalds at 2 AM to have nuggs. I’m sorry I can’t be there to tell you that outfit will literally be the worst purchase you will ever make. I’m sorry for all the things I can’t do for you but there are things I can do for you.

I will be there to FaceTime when you’re bored on your break. I will be there to send you funny memes and make you laugh when I know you’re crying your eyes out. I will be there to cyberstalk that boy you’ve been crushing on. I will be there to message you the crazy thing that happened in that last Greys episode. I will be online commenting to almost every tweet, photo, or status you have.

The times we have together are special only because it happens maybe once a year or once every two years. We wake up at 8 am to make sure we can make the most of the day and hit every mall, theme park, and beautiful sunset we can find. We even take a day just to watch a movie together only because FaceTime Netflix watching makes it a couple seconds delayed. Every moment is magical and it always will be because we know what it’s like to be apart.

Distance will not stop us. Lack of funds will not stop us. You know why? Because we are unstoppable. Just because we are long distance doesn’t mean we’re any less of friends. In fact you’re just as important as the ones I see everyday, if not more. My friend, thank you for everything. However we have met, I’m thankful for that. I’m thankful for you. So from the bottom of my heart, thank you.

Until next time,

-Jenna

Writing

The Beginning.

Knowing yourself is a lot more than writing an about me on a social media site. Sure, summing it up in a few sentences is a lot easier but does that mean it’s really you? Is that who you really are? Or s that just what you want society to depict you as?

I’m told finding yourself is a process; a never-ending one, that is. It starts when you’re young and you’re asked what your favourite color is. Is it the one everyone expects? Or one that people deem as ugly. Then, your parents start buying everything you like in that particular color until you get tired of it. Then what? You just pick a new one? Maybe that color connected you with your best friend in early grade school, maybe it helped you find a passion for something you never thought you would, or maybe it became to mainstream and you’re so over it. Is it time to let go?

There’s more to a person than their favourite color or a tv show they’re obsessed with but how can you get to know that person if you don’t even know yourself? When someone asks you to describe yourself where do you start? Is it with that tv show? Is it with adjectives? Stories that depict who you are? Whatever it may be you may see yourself in a different light than others would. To one, you could be a kind soul but the lady in the market you accidentally ran into might think differently. But what if she knew the real you? Would she have treated you any different?

Whatever it may be about you that’s different, or the same, it is YOU. I do want to learn more things about myself though. So, this is the start of my journey to digging inside of myself, and having new experiences. I hope you all will join me in this process. Hopefully learning things about yourself as well.

Until next time,

– Jenna